Baby
by leavemebe123
Summary: Bella's Visa has expired! The only way to stay in the country is to fake pregnancy... but when you're THAT dumb, something is bound to go wrong! Twilight bashing, complete crack.
1. Telephone

**Warnings:** Profanity, references to sex, mega Twilight bashing

**Author's Note**: So, this story is already finished. It's tiny and ridiculous and full of randomness, and to be quite frank, it's an embarrassment. Which is why it isn't on my main account. It was co-written by three authors, credited at the end of the story. The main author, however, was myself. Let's call me L-chan, shall we? Yes, L-chan works just fine. At any rate, this is very short and don't expect too much from any of the further chapters. Enjoy.

**Edit**: Apologies for the alert, I was simply fixing up the format a bit.

* * *

**Baby**

_by L-chan, Tclc and Zeta Sigma_

* * *

**Prologue**

**Telephone**

* * *

Bella was happy.

Of course, that was nothing new. The author, Stephenie Meyer, seemed to make it her goal in life to ensure that the girl never experienced any real troubles- despite her best friend turning into a pedophile. On her _daughter._ And Bella is perfectly okay with this. However, as The Thing does not exist in the following story, we shall now shut up about her.

It was just another day in the stupid, rainy (very rainy, don't forget to mention that) day in Forks. Bella and her husband were shut up in their bedroom for the fourth day in a row. If they had had a poor innocent daughter with an awful name like Reneesme, she would have been banished from the house in the interest of protecting her ears.

Note: Never let Bella and Edward name anything. Ever.

EVER.

(Sammyramidae and Loiiina feel compelled to note that this includes innocent fish such as themselves.)

At any rate, as Bella and Edward finally managed to control their raging hormones which had not improved much since she had been turned, the mailman arrived.

"MAIL!" he yelled.

"MAIL!"

"Mail?" Bella asked dumbly.

"That's right, miss, MAIL! MAIL!"  
"Shut the fuck up," said Edward. "And stop thinking. Your thoughts are annoying."

_Mail, mail!_ Thought the mailman.

"I SAID SHUT UP!"

The mailman stood at the door for four and a half hours while Bella and Edward got re-occupied.

Finally, they remembered him… mostly because his thoughts were distracting Edward.

"Bella, I love… I love… MAIL!"

At this point, they got themselves dressed (for the first time in a while, I feel compelled to add), and went downstairs.

"I have mail!" the mailman said proudly.

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you have mail. Now who's it for?" Bella asked.

"MAIL!" the mailman yelled.

Edward knocked him out.

After rooting through his mailbag for a while, he succeeded in finding an envelope with "Bella Cullen" written across it.

He then opened it.

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU OPEN MY- I mean, of course you can read my mail, Edward. I don't care if you're over-controlling and abusive. I love you."

Edward's face turned solemn as he scanned his (undead) wife's mail.

"BELLA! Oh… oh no! THIS IS AWFUL!"

"What is it, Edward?" Bella asked, feeling a bit like a babysitter.

"THIS IS AWFUL!"

"Edward, tell me. What the fuck. You're yelling about."

"YOUR VISA EXPIRED!"

-end of Prologue-


	2. Speechless

**Author's Note:** Thank you very much for the alerts and reviews on the last chapter! Here's the latest installment in this little piece of foolishness... Next chapter will be up on Friday or Saturday. xxL-chan

* * *

**Baby**

_by L-chan, Tclc and Zeta Sigma_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Speechless**

* * *

"…" Bella was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally managing to croak "So?"

"You have to go to a MEETING! There could be vampires! Volturi! You could get HURT!"

Bella had nothing to say.

"This Dr Jenkins guy could be a… a… zombie!"

"There are actually zombies?"

"…There are in Zombieland."

"Edward, I told you stop watching horror movies. They give you nightmares."

"I don't sleep."

"Screaming 'They're coming for me!', hiding under the pillow, and refusing sex counts as a nightmare, darling," she said patiently.

(Inner Bella cackles evilly at the memory and contemplates whether or not to show him Paranormal Activity next… doesn't the man die in that one? Yes, yes he does.)

"That is not the point! IT IS NOT SAFE!" Edward screamed over-protectively.

"Well, why don't you come with me then? You're obviously better able to protect me, since you're a _man_ and all," Bella continued.

Edward missed the sarcasm completely.

"A WONDERFUL IDEA! I will come with you, and protect the flower of our love! You!"

Bella blinked. Slowly. Twice.

There was a long silence.

"…Alright then."

At Dr Jenkins

Edward stared at the nervous-looking man in a suit.

"Explain," he snarled, sounding mildly like an actual bloodthirsty vampire instead of a sparkly wimpy imitation from an author's daydream.

"Well, she's got to be… deported."

DUNDUNDUN! *insert dramatic music* DUNDUNDUN!

"This cannot happen!" Edward screamed, looking less like a frightening vampire and more like a boy who's just been told he's going to lose his favourite toy. "I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"

There was an evil laugh.

Everybody except Edward laughed at the pathetic attempt at an Evil Laugh.

He continued in that vein for some time, his sadly whiny soliloquy about endless love and how he would allow nothing to come between him and his flower of youth dragging on, finally concluding with "…and do you have any idea how much time it took to find a woman willing to sleep with me despite the whole sparkly vegetarian wimpy imitation vampire thing? I'd rather she not disappear now that I'm finally getting laid!"

Everyone sweat-dropped.

"Edward, dear," Bella said, not looking at all offended. "It's no problem, you see I'm…"

Just then a giant turnip fell on Edward.

It weighed over five hundred pounds, so it was extremely lucky that Edward was apparently invulnerable, being the main character's true love, after all. Still, it took several hours to dig him out.

"What were saying?" he asked as he brushed off his clothing- it took a lot of effort to look like you just got out of bed, and his little 'escapade' had completely ruined his 'I will so UGLY everyone will think I'm HOT' look.

"I said… **I'm pregnant!"**

Edward had been busy looking at pretty birds out the window, and was startled by the loud exclamation mark.

"What was that, youthful flower?"

Inner Bella was fed up. She pushed aside her wimpy version and took control of the body.

She pinned her husband up against the wall, a very dangerous look in her eye.

"I said, _darling-"_ the word was spat furiously. "That I am pregnant, and _you_-" here she poked him (hard) in the chest- "Are going to be _very, very_ happy about it."

The revived Cedric Diggory who had apparently become an undead sparkly vegetarian wimpy uglier version of himself after death's eyes widened.

"Ohmygosh!"

-end of Chapter One-

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL NEVER LET YOU SEE THE NEXT CHAPTER_

_TAKE THAT YOU WIMP ! YOU WILL DIE IN VAIN WISHING YOU HAD ONLY GIVEN GOOD REVIEWS THIS. IS. MY. REVENGE! DIE FOOL'S DIE!_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! omg im bread_

_(BACK TO EVILNESS) HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU PATHETIC MORTAL'S_

_I,.YOUALL!_

_…I am never letting you near my story again, Kae-chan…_


	3. Sure Fire Winners

**Author's Notes: **This chapter is dedicated to Wrandom Writer. We'll work on it. ;) xxL-chan

* * *

**Baby**

_by L-chan, Tclc and Zeta Sigma_

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Sure Fire Winners**

* * *

Edward was shocked. Edward was beyond shocked. Edward was… flabbergasted.

Who the hell says flabbergasted anyway?

At any rate, while he continued his amazing impression of Sammyramidae and Loiiina the goldfish, Dr Jenkins cut in.

"Oh, well that's convenient! Congratulations! You no longer have to get your ass out of our country…" He let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a disappointed sigh. "However, if it turns out that you are not pregnant," Here he glared suspiciously. "Then you will serve a minimum of five years in a federal penitentiary and also be fined a maximum of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars."

Edward cut in randomly. "Actually, five years is almost nothing to us, 'cause we're…" Here he paused for dramatic effect. "Im-"

"Moral!" Bella screamed. "Immoral! Shut up you idiot…" she hissed at her darling, loveable, stupid as hell hubby.

"Oh," said Dr Jenkins.

The silence stretched on.

And on.

And on a little bit- oh, there we are.

"I will be monitoring you weekly to make sure all is well," said the doctor mysteriously.

He disappeared randomly.

Or exited through the door, but nobody wants to read about someone normal who leaves through the door, so for the sake of the story, he vanished into thin air.

"You're pregnant!" shouted Edward. "This is amazing!"

Bella wished for the turnip to make its return.

Unfortunately, her fairy godmother was young and had wish fulfillment issues, and the turnip was replaced with a squash.

It still worked.

It took a few days to get Edward out again, during which Dr Jenkins returned briefly, saw the predicament, sighed, and left through the do- vanished. Into nothingness. Or dissolved into a flock of ravens. Whatever you prefer.

By the point he was dug up, whatever IQ points Edward had had were long disappeared. He failed to consider the fact that, as a vampire, it was every bit as impossible for Bella to get pregnant as it had been for him to impregnate her in Breaking Dawn.

"This is epic! We shall name our young flower of youth Annimantasiumashka!"

"Darling, that's a wonderful idea," said Bella, briefly forgetting that she was faking.

"Let us go, and see our wonderful family and tell them our youthful news!"

Bella was becoming frightened.

As they entered the house of annoyingly pretty and not terrifying and sparkly and vegetarian and VERY sparkly vampires, Edward was on cloud nine.

Bella was down on cloud one.

Cloud one of the Underworld, that was.

Yes, there are clouds in the Underworld. Don't question me.

Porcupines are prickly… lalala…

Back to the story.

Oh, did I mention that llamas are FUZZY?

And cool as fuck!

Smiley faces… doodadoodaday…

This is somebody not insane, taking over story briefly. I speak in robotic voice, picture in your head. Or hear in your head. I do not really care.

Edward walked into the house.

Bella walked into the house.

Insane one took over again.

And then, the sparkly irritating pretty not terrifying vegetarian VERY sparkly vampires surrounded the happy couple!

"Alice told us," said Carlisle. "Congratulations on finally standing up to Edward, Bella!"

…Wha?

Rewind a bit.

Oh yeah, Inner Bella.

"I'm pregnant," she said robotically.

"My youthful flower has another youthful flower deep inside of her, thanks to the seed of our love and the youth-filled nights we have spent bamboozled by our feelings of LOVE! SHE IS PREGNANT!" screamed Edward.

"…Dude, what the fuck happened to Edward's two IQ points?" Rosalie asked.

"They got crushed by a squash. …And a turnip, for that matter."

-end of Chapter Two-


End file.
